I’ve always heard there’s an opportunity in yoga to take it to the mat and tears may emerge. What those people mean is, when your emotions feel heavy, when you can’t find the answers, get yourself to a class, stat.
I used to question the thought of someone crying in yoga. Like, how does that even happen?
Until it happened to me.
Randomly, on a Monday night.
Two minutes in, first child’s pose, here come tears. Belly fire producing tears. Crouched in, face hidden, arms reaching - it’s coming.
This is how that happens. Unexpectedly, apparently.
Move. Be Strong. Be in your body.
That’s what I heard within.
So I moved. I silently chanted the mantra, I am strong. I felt the shaking in my body. Something was moving within.
Vinyasa flow, I think it’s passed.
Then a 5 breath down dog. More tears. Rolling down my cheeks. Sniffles almost too loud to hide.
Don’t let them see. Move. Be Strong. Your body knows how.
Concentrated breath. Gratitude to meet my mat again after so long. The teacher tells us to move because we can. Thank you, I needed to be reminded. I find my movement bringing meditative thoughts. I think I’m going to get through the class without anyone knowing what’s really happening in my space.
Down dog to lizard. I love lizard. Oh shit, here come more tears.
Restorative pose. Face hidden. Tears hit the mat. We’re there for minutes.
I listen. These words flow through my mind.
“You never reclaimed your body as yours. This is your struggle. It is physical. Reclaim your body as yours. Love your body. You never have to give it away to another unless you want to.”
I never reclaimed my womb as whole after my miscarriage, I think.
I never intentionally reclaimed my body after nursing ended. Or after my pregnancies.
My body was mine to give to my children and I gave, gave, and then gave some more. Touched out, it didn’t matter. Give more, be a good mom. This is what you do.
When, I think; When did I last feel in my body as my own, in control and whole?
Before the 6 years of being pregnant and nursing for my two?
No, it didn’t feel my own then.
No, I used my body to go, go, go but not in a loving way.
Before high school?
It doesn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel in it.
As a child?
I did as I was told. Stand up tall. Cross your legs. Sit like a good girl.
As a baby?
I couldn’t care for it.
In the womb?
That was out of my control.
Listening again, I hear, You’ve never been fully in your body because you’ve never asked to be. Do ceremony. Take control. Reclaim from within and the rest will be ok.
I realize, my wants are crown wants. Manifestation. Intuition. Inspiration. My needs are root needs. Power and will. Creativity. Care of self.
Listening deeper, I receive, Reclaim the physical and the spiritual will flow.
Viewing our physical body as a source of power I find housed within this bodily container is the energy origin of all that fills our soul, our mind, our essence.
At the core the stem of power begins; the third chakra.
The color yellow - one of hope and courage.
The vowel sound of Ah.
The last rooted center connecting to our crown centers via the heart.
It's imperative to feeling whole, connected with - being one with the physical body.
I wonder, Do you feel whole, connected within?
Did you learn how?
Through awareness, then acknowledgement, coupled with healing ritual, you can reclaim your physical feminine body and power. Giving to yourself a sense of ownership to your physical body.
I believe this.
Your power wants to be alive. But first we must stop giving of it unconsciously.
Since this night of yoga, the answers to my own reclamation are happening. Visualizing the parts of my body where I’ve given my power away. Calling it back in. Painting on my body. Dancing in my body. Signing from my body. Caring for my body.
It is mine. I unselfishly claim it as my own.
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Stephanie Hope Dodd, M.S., is a writer, speaker, and healer. You can find her blogging about how to live to life fully connected to the Goddess within at www.stephaniehopedodd.com.